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31 July 2010 @ 02:27 am
Life is ever confusing and always with terrible timing.

Emotions: confusedconfused
Ears: The Stranger Song - Leonard Cohen
10 June 2010 @ 03:53 am
Is it contradictory to hate hate?  Is it an oxymoron?  Is it irony?  Is it hypocritical to hate hate?

What about to love and hate?  How can love and hate coexist?  How can the emotions of love and hate coexist within one person when both of those emotions are directed at the same person simultaneously?

I don't want to say I hate.  But I do.

I don't want to say I love.  But I do.  But I don't.  But how can I say I don't love?  The guilt is instantaneous if I say I don't love.  I don't know if I do or don't.  Perhaps the hate just blocks the love out.

I pity.  Oh, how I pity.  I hate the pity, but it's so strong.  So very painfully strong.  But I pity.  I pity one who can hate so much for such trivial matters.  It pains me to say I hate, but I hate one who holds such hate over what should be nothing.  Personal grudges.  Side effects of a lifestyle in which one is raised.  

Most of all I pity.  I feel bad for the one who hates so gloriously.  Who hates others over reasons that shouldn't even exist.  I pity for the lifestyle in which the one was raised that caused that hate. I pity for having one's mind so warped and tormented by what should be a non issue.  I pity because I wish I could change those views, but I can't.  I pity because the one's opinions on others are so fast and strong and solid.  Immobile, and I pity because this one finds great, heart wrenching sorrow that my opinions are not the same.

I pity and I guilt.  I guilt because I've broken this person's opinions in favor of my own.  I guilt because I know my opinions are so progressive and open minded by comparison.  I guilt because the one says I've caused him this pain.  I've broken his heart because I have gone against everything he's tried to instill in my own life.  

But I cannot give in, and I will not relent.  I guilt because I will not give in to his opinions and to the thoughts he's tried to instill in me because I believe in a better and more open minded world and my choices cause him pain because he cannot see any other possibility.

I hate.  I hate because he hates. I hate because he blames me.  I hate because he says I've broken his heart for not following his ways.  I hate because he doesn't listen and he doesn't try to change or give new things a chance. I hate because he brings others into the equation and hates on them, too. I hate because he hates these others that I hold so dear to my heart. I hate because he overreacts.  I hate because he makes us worry about the safety of his own life in his own hands.  I hate because I worry about the safety of our own lives in his presence.  

I'm scared.  I'm terrified.  We've all cried.  We've paced.  We've worried. 

I hate because of the hate and the fear and the worry and the guilt, and I guilt because I love still, I pity still, and I want us to be free from the one.  The one has loved as well, and I hate for the one to believe I've caused hate in him.  I hate to be the reason the one finds himself with a broken heart and I hate to be the one who's caused him so much pain and caused him to try to get violent, who's caused him to reach such a state that we've feared for his life and our own.

I don't know what to do.

I cannot relent, though.  I know what's right and what's wrong.  I cannot stop doing right just to make the one happy.  I don't want to live a life of lies and hiding around him.  I just want to live and to love anyone.  Everyone.   Maybe not everyone, but that'd be nice.  But to love the ones I love now, to love and appreciate the ones who are dear to my heart.  I will not forsake them at the whims of a man who holds such primitive ideas because we all deserve that much.

I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry to everyone.  I don't know what to do.  I'm scared.  I'm trying to be strong.  I'm breaking hearts.  I'm about to start crying again.

I shouldn't write when I'm in such states of emotional distress.

But I don't know what to do.  
Emotions: distresseddistressed
I wish I could take credit for that event.

So much on the edge of my lips, on the tip of my fingers.  I want to break out, live free, find a rebellious stage ten years too late.

Now is the time for me to settle.  Strange, I almost believe that taking a moment to settle may let me reach freedom.  At least for the time being, this very moment.  If only settling wasn't so hard to do.  I've never done it before. Not like this.  Everything I've lived before finds issue with the moment yet tells me it will be fine, it will be good, it will keep me moving.

Starting is so difficult.  My weakness.

Numbers, times, dates.  All of it vital now.  The need for rebellion rages and that scares me for all that it implies.  Rebellion and freedom are not and never will be the same, and I must keep steady with myself before I confuse the two and mesh them together when they lead in different directions.

I am a stable person.  I flow with what I'm given. I want stability.  I want stability, I want to settle into even more stability and fear it will bring about everything I've never wanted.  I need stability, I need security, I will have it one way or another.  May it not kill me or drive me to nothing.  I want to know what it's like to lack all stability.  To fly, to risk falling, to reach out for anything to hold onto no matter what it is or where it goes. 

Why does it seem I can only reach a sense of freedom by settling, becoming stable? I suppose freedom comes in all forms, just as rebellion.  I just hope that the freedom I find is the freedom I need, the stability I want is the kind of stability I need.

I want to settle, but I don't want to settle.

So help me, I have no idea where I will be in two weeks.  Three weeks.  A month.  I have no idea.  Above all, above all else, I fear getting stuck. 

Wherever I may find myself, may I never find myself stuck.
Eyes: My mind.
Emotions: anxiousanxious
Ears: Les Cloches - Notre Dame de Paris
19 August 2009 @ 04:19 pm



Funny how I swear this happens EVERY TIME I try to post something creative.

What the hell is up with that?
Emotions: pissed offpissed off
21 June 2009 @ 07:03 am
I'm coming to realize after 15-20 years that I hate Tom and Jerry. That damn mouse always won.
21 June 2009 @ 06:51 am
It's 6:50am.  I've been up all night long and haven't done shit. 

I feel so flat.

Emotions: blahblah
I have no idea what posting from an instant messenger service will do or why I'd need it. Though I do suppose it might be quicker than logging into LJ for posting short snippets... Lovely, I think I just found why I'd want to use this method.
11 June 2009 @ 07:09 pm
Oi there Oi there!

Look-it here a whole lot of empty space waiting to be filled by...well probably by empty words.  Maybe some empty promises.  Maybe some unfinished lists.  Goodness knows maybe even some happy accidents.

I like  happy accidents.

Emotions: Delirious
Ears: Noise, noise, noise